Finding My Birth Mother: The Story So Far

I was adopted as a baby and have known I was adopted for as long as I can remember. My parents couldn’t have children and adopted me and then my sister four years later. Growing up, I occasionally thought about searching for my birth mother, but I never had this burning ache. I was curious, more than anything.

In my early 20s, I contacted the county social services agency from which I was adopted. The brown envelope of informational materials sat in my filing cabinet for more than a decade. I contacted the agency again in 2005 and was told there was a four-month waiting period before I could talk to a case worker. I hesitated for more than a year before I finally mailed in my $250 fee. My search officially started in April 2006.

Two months later, my case worker called to reveal non-identifying information from my file. For 71 minutes, I wrote down pages of notes about my heritage, what my birth mother revealed to her intake worker, health concerns the doctor had about me at my birth, and what my foster mom said about my early months. I’ve never had a more surreal conversation. It was my life, but one that I had never known.

This past July, my case worker called again. She had found my birth mother and would try and reach her. I had to wait several days before my case worker called back with the results. … She had talked to her. BAM! She was alive. That was the first thought that flooded my brain. Isn’t that weird? She’s only in her late 50s, but I must have feared that I missed my window to find her. BAM! BAM! She now knows I’m looking for her. Holy shit. This is really real!

My birth mother was shocked by the call. She apparently hadn’t imagined that I would try to find her. I had asked my case worker to share my concerns about the search and how much I respect my birth mother’s feelings. I’m incredibly nervous about what my outreach will do to her. It can be a traumatic experience, but I want to do anything I can to minimize the stress or anxiety that she may be feeling. My case worker said that my birth mother was relieved by my concerns and seemed to appreciate the thoughtfulness I’m giving to the process. In the end, though, my birth mother wasn’t ready to receive any materials from my case worker. However, she did ask if I lived near her. Since I hadn’t explicitly given my case worker permission to share this information, my case worker wouldn’t say. That ended up being a good thing since it showed that we’re serious about confidentiality. My case worker won’t tell me anything my birth mother doesn’t allow and vice versa. My case worker did tell me that we sound a lot a like, both in voice tone and vocal mannerisms. Double holy shit!

It’s been almost three months without any contact. I talked to my case worker today and asked how we should proceed. She left the decision in my hands, but recommended that we give my birth mother more time. As I look back on how long it took me to get started, I know that I must be patient. We decided to wait until January before my case worker will make contact again. By then, six months will have passed and the holidays will be over. I want to move cautiously as well. I want my birth mother and I both to be sure of each step before we proceed. Once we know who we are, there’s no turning back. Come January, I want my case worker to try again and share my first name with my birth mother. I want to see if she’d be willing to accept a short letter from me. I’ve drafted this letter over and over again during this process and still am not sure what I want to stay. Buy maybe by then, it will become clearer for both of us.